Wealthy AF Podcast

Transformative Insights on Self-Love and Midlife Relationships (w/ Jonathan Aslay)

• Martin Perdomo "The Elite Strategist" • Season 3 • Episode 513

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Embark on a transformative exploration of self-love and relationships with our guest, Jonathan Aslay, a prominent midlife dating coach who turned personal tragedy into powerful insights. Through the heart-wrenching experience of losing his son, Jonathan discovered the true essence of self-love—understanding it as a cornerstone for strong, supportive partnerships rather than a selfish endeavor. Sharing stories from his journey, Jonathan reveals how he transitioned from being an online dating enthusiast to a successful coach, helping others navigate the complexities of dating with authenticity and awareness.

Jonathan and I dive into the common misconceptions about relationships, highlighting the crucial difference between chemistry and compatibility. We unpack the patterns often encountered in dating, especially for those coming out of divorces and stress the importance of shared values and emotional maturity in building lasting connections. By sharing our experiences, we offer listeners valuable insights into overcoming fears and nurturing self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence as vital ingredients for healthier relationships. Expect to gain practical advice on how personal development can enhance your romantic life and overall life satisfaction.

The conversation also touches on modern relationship dynamics, particularly the balance between women's empowerment and interdependence in partnerships. Jonathan offers a compelling perspective on navigating these contemporary challenges, advocating for genuine connection over superficial success. As we conclude our dialogue with Jonathan, he invites listeners to connect and continue their journey towards self-love and fulfilling relationships, offering simple ways to reach out and engage with his work. Join us and Jonathan Aslay as we explore what it truly means to build a life filled with love and meaningful connections.

CONNECT WITH JONATHAN!
https://www.jonathonaslay.com/
https://www.instagram.com/jonathonaslay
Jonathon Aslay Youtube channel

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Speaker 1:

Building wealth isn't just about personal gain. It's about empowering yourself and your community. This is Wealthy AF your ultimate guide to understand what it truly means to build well. And today I want you to lean in, because today's guest isn't just talking about finding love, he's redefining it. With over 195,000 YouTube subscribers and a track record as one of America's leading midlife dating coaches, jonathan Aslay's work has taken on new meaning. It's no longer just about finding the one. It's about understanding the one you see in the mirror, which I absolutely love, absolutely love. Now here's what's really powerful.

Speaker 1:

Back in 2018, jonathan faced an unimaginable loss the passing of his 19-year-old son, Connor. This loss sent him in a deeply personal journey, one that revealed something often overlooked in the world of dating the way we see ourselves. What Jonathan uncovered was a widespread struggle with self-regard and, most crucially, self-love. Today, jonathan's mission goes beyond traditional dating advice. He's here to help people, men and women alike, to truly love themselves first. By the way, jonathan, I've been married 22 years. I'm going on my 23rd year of marriage here this March and I tell you that this is right in alignment to a successful relationship.

Speaker 1:

Young man, don't misconstrued what I said. I'll elaborate on that later. That doesn't mean be selfish, but I'll elaborate on that later. What the heck is self-love anyway? It's the book he wrote Isn't just a read. It's packed with practical, fun, spiritual growth exercises that thousands are using to transform their lives, and his midlife love mastery program. It's guiding hundreds every day towards genuine, fulfilling love from the inside out. So if you're wondering what real, lasting love looks like, you're in for an incredible episode today. So stay with us, john. Welcome to the show, sir, appreciate you.

Speaker 2:

Mark, thank you for having me on. Can I get a copy of that intro? I loved it. Thank you, I appreciate it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you're welcome. My team did a great job on putting that one together. This is why I went with it, because I thought it was appropriate. So thank you for coming on, john.

Speaker 1:

There's so much there to unpack in the intro. Today, I want us to discuss emotional health and relationships addressing self-worth, self-respect, self-love and as core components of successful dating. So here, the name of this podcast is Wealthy AF, and we talk all things that have to do with wealth, money, business, relationships, and I believe that wealth is not just about money. We talked about this a little bit off air. There's other components. There's family. There's other relationships like components. There's family. There's other relationships like friends. There's spiritual your spiritual guide on what your belief system is and who you believe in if it's God or whatever your belief system is. Then there's money. I think a very, very important component of that for you to live a healthy life and be truly successful. I believe, as a man, your partner, your wife, is a big part of your success. Yeah, plays a big part, so let's get right into it. Let's get right into it. How did you start on this journey?

Speaker 2:

I'll try to do the Cliff Note version of this. So for me it began, oh my God, almost 20 years ago. After turning 40 and going through a divorce, I found myself single out in the dating marketplace and there was this thing called online dating. That was relatively new at that time and I thought, oh, you could just punch in exactly what you want and someone would magically appear. And of course they did, and I would meet someone, have a really nice, great date, but something wasn't right. And then, a couple of days later, meet someone, have a nice date, but something wasn't right. And this happened a hundred times in one year. Wow, and that's a lot of dates, john. I was literally going out on two dates only, which isn't that hard to do on a really or friday night kind of thing. So, but what I realized after a year, the something wasn't right was me. That was the common denominator. It fears, insecurities, doubts, uncertainty, and I certainly was driven by my little head, more so than my big head, so to speak. So the fact is is, chemistry is very deceptive. It makes us believe that we are with the right person and then, until we get to know someone and really know ourselves, we don't know who the right person is for us. But what happened along this way? After a hundred, I began studying personal development, self-help, spiritual work. I started with Tony Robbins because he was big at the time. He's still big. I'm a big Tony. Yeah, I would say he's the biggest coach, not physically, but has served the most largest audience.

Speaker 2:

But what was interesting, martin, was I was actually I'll be candid with you I was addicted to online dating. I was addicted to talking to women In many cases, not actually even dating them, just meeting them, talking to them, hearing their backstories, hearing about their divorces, hearing about their relationships, because it was cathartic and therapeutic. For me, it was almost a replacement for therapy, making friendships with women. And then they would reach out to me and say hey, jonathan, would you look at my dating profile and give me some pointers from the male perspective? And I would do that. And then, about a month later, I'd get a call. Jonathan, I met a guy Will you look at his dating profile and tell me what you think as a guy? And this was have market, martin.

Speaker 2:

This was happening regularly and I thought, wow, I have a knack for helping women not only improve their dating profile, but help them understand men, and about a year or two after that I put up a website, said I was a dating coach in personal development, self-help, spiritual work, both for myself but as a coach, and in the last 15 years I've amassed over 20,000 hours of coaching. I've done personally over 3,000 hours of personal development, workshops, trainings, videos and I'm not saying that to impress anyone. I just want to impress that this journey for myself. Myself and I started a business from scratch and now I'm one of the most. I'm actually a top tier dating coach in.

Speaker 2:

In the profession that I'm in, um, there was many facets of healing going on for me, both on an emotional level and on a financial level as well, which relates to the work you do, and there is a synergy between the two. Our emotional health and our financial health are integrated hugely, as well as relationship health, because if you're A, if you're not in a relationship, you may be desiring of one B. If you're in a relationship and it's not the right relationship, it will affect all the facets of your life and when you're in a great relationship, it actually can uplift you to even be more successful from a financial perspective.

Speaker 1:

I've got so many questions for you, chief. So just on that little bit, what did you learn about women after coming off of marriage at 40 and being in a hundred dates with a hundred different women in a year, of women in a year? What was the one thing that you took away, or the common pattern you saw in women as it pertains to you know the dating world and their biggest problems? Like you, could you have the advantage of time, right as we get older.

Speaker 1:

I always tell young men and young people when I coach them is, as you get older, you get older, you have the disadvantage of time, and us older people, if we study ourselves and we look at patterns, we have the advantage of time that we can look back and then kind of gives us a little guide of which way to go, because this reminds me of what that looked like 10 years ago, right? So what was that thing, what was that pattern that you learned? What did you learn about women in those 100 dates at 40? Because your prefrontal cortex is developed at 40. There's a lot of learnings there.

Speaker 2:

Well, this is a great question and I have noticed a common thread amongst most women Now I speak to a predominantly divorced group of people, so it's slightly different than younger women Now I speak to a predominantly divorced group of people, so it's slightly different than younger women, I mean in their 20s, because their objective is oftentimes to. I mean, our social programming is, you know, get married, make babies and raise a family. That's kind of our social programming in our 20s and 30s. The common denominator and to some degree this is true for men as well is number one. A lot of people just don't know what they want. They know they want a relationship, but they don't know what that container looks like in commitments. So they know they want these things, but they don't know the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, and I'll expand upon that in a moment.

Speaker 2:

Number two and this is true for men as well there's this misconception that chemistry equals relationship. Success, shared values, is more important. Lifestyle that can blend is more important. Emotional maturity, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution, is even more important, because the fact of the matter is, is we're going to have differences with people. You, being married for such a long time, you know that you have differences with your wife and the real test of a relationship is can you understand the difference, can you accept the difference, can you even appreciate the difference? And that takes work and effort and it's a building block to a healthy, happy relationship.

Speaker 2:

The problem with most people in the dating marketplace is, sadly, they're clueless because they focus on the surface levels of a relationship. You know, and not necessarily like the feel good parts of the relationship. That's what everyone, they hyper focus on the feel good and and they there's this desire. I've always said that, for example, romance should be reserved for people in a relationship, not as an entry point in the relationship, and a lot of women want to be romance because they were hurt in the past. They didn't you know, they don't feel safe and they feel like that's going to create safety when in fact it takes so many other moving parts for a relationship to be healthy there's so much wisdom in what you say.

Speaker 1:

Hey guys, if you're listening to this episode, I would re go back and re-listen to what he just said a moment ago on what's really, really important, because he's spot on. So this morning I'm in the bathroom, my wife and I are in the bathroom getting ready. I don't know, I think I was brushing my teeth and I'm sharing with her. I'm coaching this young man. Young man comes to me, been married for a few years, four years, and he's going through a lot of young family and we had four kids, kids all two years apart, right, okay. And so this young man is like, he's telling me, I'm going through this, and I can almost tell him, play by play by play by play, and your wife is telling you she's not appreciated, and then she's telling you she's this, this, this, I like this boop boop, boop, boop. And I'm sharing this with my wife.

Speaker 1:

And I said to her and those days were hard, remember those days?

Speaker 1:

Those days were hard, right, those days were hard because you don't, when you're young especially, you don't know who you are, you don't know how to conflict, resolute, right, like what you said, you don't have a strategy to deal with conflict and you don't really have clear values yet in a relationship and for yourself as an individual, so you can't communicate, so it's just struggle. So everything you said is right on point and my wife and I were like, yeah, it's hard, and if you don't know how to over, if you don't know how to overcome that and get through that, that's the most vulnerable part and time in a relationship because that's when it's easy to walk away. It's easy to say I'm out, let's just that's over. Right, it's easy to walk away. So you're right, right on point. But there is light at the end of the tunnel if you listen to what John just said, if you can figure those things out, the values thing and all those things, I mean that is the key, that is the most important thing, and conflict resolution. So, john, what Actually?

Speaker 2:

can I interrupt for a second? Yeah, please. There's actually one more thing that I didn't say that I think you know, based on you know giving the bullet points you just did, I think it's really important to identify. This is that, and I suspect in your marriage you guys are committed to commitment, like you are committed to commitment, and why that's so important is that the reality is, you know, the dating marketplace is very dysfunctional right now because we're hyper focused on just getting that high, that spark, that chemistry, and the minute something doesn't work out, you move on to the next person. This is why people are going from date after date after date. This is why people are going from date after date after date, the minute two people make a commitment to one another. You know, and a lot of people are gun shy, understandably so.

Speaker 2:

But what makes your relationship successful and what brings you joy and happiness? Most likely is that because you're committed to commitments, you're, you will work through the tough stuff because at the other end, there's a benefit for it, and it's like anything in life, it's like exercise, it's like financial health. All these things is being when you are radically committed to each other and the reason why the original dating vows were kind of death. Do us part because it's interesting. My parents were married 66 years before my mother passed away. My father has recently passed away but they went through. I mean, my mom told me they were married like 10 years of their marriage it was hell I would imagine.

Speaker 1:

If they said anything different, I would say they're liars. If they said anything different, as long as I've been married I say you said you'd live the perfect marriage. You're lying.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and their last 30 years was actually. That's because they put 30 years of effort in the beginning. They actually the last 30 years they were actually. They were very cute together. They were. They were those couples that you see on the memes and in the videos because they went through the tough stuff together as a team, so committed to commitment.

Speaker 1:

I apologize for jumping no, no no, I'm so glad that you said that because, um, I have a theory about what mature love is. Right, right, yeah, puppy love is, like you said, the chemistry, the emotions, the butterfly. That shit wears off really fast. Right, yeah, and mature love, mature love is commitment. Mature love is hey, I'm committed, babe, I'm here, no matter what Puppy love is. Hey, I'm committed, babe, I'm here, no matter what Puppy love is.

Speaker 1:

We get into a fight. I'm going to go sleep in the sofa. I'm not going to talk to you for two weeks. We don't do that anymore.

Speaker 1:

Like, that used to be the young version, the 21, 22. I was going to fight it, or that. You know when. I would go to bed and I have a headache, and it would be a three, four, five day. Nowadays it's like okay, babe, I'll be in the living room, no problem, tomorrow's another day, I'll see you tomorrow. I still love you. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you're not wrong, give your space, right, and that's it, and it's just, it's. It's a level of commitment, it's a level of that's what I told my wife this morning. I said, when you get older, as I've gotten older, it's just kind of levels, the playing field. It's no more jumping off the rail. It's kind of, because I have the advantage of time, is the time to look back and say I can kind of see how this will play out if I take this direction. The best direction I can take is to level it out and hold the space right and hold the space. If I hold the space, I create a safe space for my wife and it allows us for both to have a safe space to just be honest and have open communication with each other.

Speaker 1:

I said to this I said this to a young man, a young man I was, I was, he was asking me for marital advice and he said he said, you know, my wife comes and she, she blasts me. I was like, yeah, and you get defensive and you get offensive and you want to go fight back. That's the initial, that's what we do, that's what we want to do. I said but try this, try saying to her thank you for sharing that with me, because I can't see that in me. Thank you for sharing that with me. I know that behind me my wife is there, right, and I can tell you that when my wife blasts me and it happens right, she calls me.

Speaker 1:

I actually encourage it. I actually am at a point where I tell her babe, I don't need sugarcoating, I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy. That was when I was 20. I don't need that anymore. I need you to huddle me. If I'm dropping the ball somewhere, call me on it, tell me. You dropped the ball here? Tell me, right, because I can't see the picture if I'm in the frame. Yeah, and I encourage that. When she comes to me and she blasts me on something, I have my biggest breakthroughs and my biggest growth because of her. Yeah, because I encourage that, right. So if you encourage that in a relationship, man, you just grow and you just grow and you just grow and grow and grow.

Speaker 2:

I like how Chris Rock said in one of his comedy stand up there. He said relationships. You're in the service industry, you are there to serve the other person. I mean like a waiter serves you at a restaurant kind of thing. Other person, I mean like no, like a waiter serves you at a restaurant, kind of thing. And and I'd like to think of it as a co-creative experience where you're mutually supporting one another. And so it isn't. You know that the wife is behind the man. It's that you're side by side, right, you're holding hands together.

Speaker 2:

And the problem I see today is people they're oftentimes very myopic, only focused on their own needs. And in a relationship there is a you, there is a me, but then there is a collective we. The relationship is a separate entity and to honor that separate entity through, you know, healthy communication, through conflict resolution, through support, and it's a mutual effort. And the minute we make it my, you know needs aren't getting met. It's like how can we benefit the team? Like, think of it like a basketball team or a football team how can we benefit the team together versus benefit the individual solely on themselves?

Speaker 1:

When I opened up I said that was where I was leading to, about finding yourself, working on yourself. It wasn't until I started doing the Tony Robbins and I started working on the personal development. It wasn't until I started doing those things and I really started honing in on my personal development that my relationship started getting better, that my finances started getting better, that my business started getting better, that everything else started getting better. I want you to talk a little bit around that. What's the importance of one like you right, you, one of you did all the personal development work. What's the importance of a person going and working on themselves to bring that version, that best version of themselves to the relationship?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know it's interesting when I began doing a deeper dive into healing and I'll be candid with you most everybody has some level of micro traumas in their childhood that they may not even be aware. They might even had a good childhood, but we all have experiences as a child that makes us believe we're not good enough, we're not lovable and we're not likable, kind of our core emotional wound. And what personal development, self-help, spiritual work and therapy does is it helps heal those wounds. And what happens is when we begin to heal our wounds and when we take once, we become more self-aware and self-responsible. These are all words within self-love. Self-awareness is the recognition of one's fears and insecurities. I mean really recognizing deep, you know, when we are afraid.

Speaker 2:

Oftentimes men are very stoic. They stuff their emotions. Of men in particular, they stuff their emotions. Oftentimes we use substitutes to overcome those fears, through alcohol, drugs or eating are one of the predominant substitutes to addressing it of healing, of forgiveness, of love for oneself. You become more of a magnetic attractor for what you want. You become more compassionate, you become more energetic but most importantly, you become an attractor for health, wealth and relationships. When you begin this journey of self-love and again, self-love is just self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, self-discipline. It's just all wrapped up in the same the word love. You begin to, as I said, it's like an antidote to inner suffering and you begin to live a more fulfilled life.

Speaker 2:

Now I want to say something, martin, though it's not for the faint of heart.

Speaker 2:

Doing inner work is not the faint of heart, because you're going to be facing your shadow.

Speaker 2:

You're going to be facing those fears and, believe me, the more attuned you are to your emotions, the more you feel it every day. And there are times and I'll be candid with you I've been at this for a decade and a half and just even recently, and I've been really peeling the onion and even recently I was facing fear and I wanted to give up. I really wanted to like I was almost not at the point of truly checking out, but I mean, I was like this is hard work, but the benefit at the other side of work just like making a sword requires putting it in heat and then pounding on it you have this beautiful piece of art, and that's what inner work is piece of art and that's what inner work is, and I love that you said that because it's I couldn't say it more eloquently man, you, when you do the work, you're facing the demons that you've been running from and a lot of times is you don't realize that, you don't realize that that was there.

Speaker 1:

You're like oh, that's why I do that, oh, that's where that came from. When you start to do the work and you start to work on yourself, you said you were a big Tony Robinson. Do you remember? Did you do UPW? You did UPW.

Speaker 2:

I actually did UPW the same day. Oprah Winfrey was there and she was right in front of me on the firewalk.

Speaker 1:

I was just about to ask about the firewalk. So, guys, upw, I'll give this plug to Tony because I mean, tony has changed my life. I've done his whole Master University and so, if you remember right, when you do UPW, you know you're going to walk on fire, like that's the signature thing for UPW. You know you're going to walk on fire, like that's the signature thing for UPW. You know you're going to walk on fire. And my experience was, you know, day one you get there, you sit down and you're thinking, okay, we're going to walk on fire, but what does that really mean and when is that going to happen? And then Tony doesn't say nothing about it at all, like it's not mentioned at all, until like 10 o'clock at night.

Speaker 1:

Like 10 o'clock at night, he starts to seed you and starts to put it in your unconscious mind hey, when we walk on fire later, blah, blah, blah, he starts to prepare you for it, right, and you're like, oh shit, we're actually going to do it. I didn't think we were going to do it. It's so late, right, I didn't think we were going to do it. So now the fear starts to creep in. For me it was like walk on fire. All the stories, right, walk on fire, right, but he's working you the whole day to get you ready to that moment. But when I think of what you just said, like when we do things like that in personal development and we go to events like that, some people think it's woo, woo, we're going to walk on fire. But basically what Tony's doing, he's just preparing us to face our fears. And then when you, when you finish that firewalk you did it with Oprah, so that's very cool, yeah when you finish that firewalk, you feel how did you feel when you finish that fire?

Speaker 2:

You know it's interesting. You remember that I was really proud of myself for the accomplishment. I'd be candid with you, it wasn't as big a deal as they kind of made out Like. In some sense there was some fear initial kind of they had this bonfire film going on in the background, so there was this kind of creation of fear to some degree, and there was also my own fears. But what was fascinating to me is A I'm so proud that I did it.

Speaker 2:

I mean it was and and it was actually I think it was a metaphor is that you, your capacity to overcome fears, is actually easier than you think. That's right, and that was what I got out of it, because I recognized that, you know, fears false evidence appearing real, you know, is a acronym for fear. And and I've been working, I've been working a lot on that shadow side of me, that part of me that has so much anxiety through fear. You know, fear creates a lot of anxiety for me. It actually sometimes paralyzes me from doing things, and I've done something known as parts work, and parts work is identifying that fear or where that fear comes from, where the origin of that fear is and actually giving it a name and actually making friends with that fear, that part of your personality that causes you to Now for each person it's different. I mean mine manifests its way and I gave it a name. And I gave it a name and it's called Jacob, and I now talk to that part of me that gets paralyzed and I try to be friendly with it and it actually helps calm me a bit.

Speaker 2:

It's not, by the way. Let me just say something. I believe this journey of life is like peeling an onion you never really get to the end, you're just peeling layers. But what happens when you begin a journey of this work, like doing Tony Robbins, like doing Joe Dispenza, like doing Wayne Dyer, like doing all the different I mean I'm just rattling off a few off the top of my head Marianne Williamson's work in the Course in Miracles and such All of this healing work allows an individual to live a life that is a little more. I know they're blasting me right now. As you said, let me take a step back, let's not make it personal and just go, let me hear the other person, and certainly when you validate the other person's feelings, you then begin an actual dialogue with them. Dialogue with them and when you can truly talk with another person. Mostly it's all. Most every conflict is some fear or some need not being met, which is usually related to a fear.

Speaker 1:

When we can get granular to those things with the people we love, we actually experience more joy and harmony in our life. That's so on point. That's so on point. Why do you think, John, that? Why is self-worth so challenging to cultivate in today's culture, even for some people who seem to be successful in other areas of life?

Speaker 2:

You know it's interesting. You look at highly successful people. Oftentimes they have a deep wound. They have a deep inner wound that they mask by excelling professionally. They put so much effort because to some degree a man particularly for men, you know our identity is tied up into our profession and our, our ability to generate resources. There's so much emphasis on that that in some cases the inner world isn't as developed as the outer world. And believe me, if you hyper-focus on the outer world meaning generating resources you will have a collapse in your life. It is inevitable and sometimes a lot of people don't recover because they haven't built the emotional scaffolding through personal development, self-help, spiritual work and therapy. So I believe it's interesting.

Speaker 2:

I grew up middle class, average home, decent parents. I struggled in school, I was bullied, I was picked on. I even had a teacher tell the entire classroom that I was stupid and all of this is like if you're familiar with coding, like program coding, you know like what code looks like. All of our experiences are little bits of code into who we are as a person and they go into the subconscious and the subconscious does a lot of the driving of the bus of who we are as people. So if we've experienced I'll use the term negative or unpleasant experiences in childhood, it will manifest itself in like a weak emotional maturity or weak relationship skills.

Speaker 2:

In many cases, and again, when you mask it by focusing on money and not the inner work, you will eventually reach a level of collapse. It is inevitable that you'll hit something and then you're really tested. Your metal is really tested. When you are faced with that, you know gigantic. It's kind of the hero's journey that joseph campbell's talks about you. You face that demons. Sadly, a lot of people choose drugs and alcohol and food to to tame it versus heading it face on.

Speaker 1:

And you articulated that so well, john. I was on my Instagram the other day. I put a short video, yeah, and it was exactly that, but I didn't articulate it as good as you. You articulated it very well and the point I was making was I was making a statement of people think that as you move up in the level of status and money yeah, for some reason I used to be of this as well, by the way for some reason, people think that as you move up in the status, realm and money and finance, that you have less problems.

Speaker 1:

And you don't have exactly. You laugh, but people believe that, right, they think, hey, so you have money, so you have more resources, so you have less problems. And it's actually the total opposite. Actually, as you move up in status and in the realm of money and you make more money and you become more successful, your capacity to handle stress has to expand. Yes, my capacity to handle stress has to expand because I am now put in higher stakes, higher stressful situations, and my capacity, your capacity, has to expand. So it goes back to the point you just made you have to do the inner work, like you said. So if you just focus on money and you don't do the personal work on yourself, you're going to collapse right, and when you collapse, you don't know how to come back from it because you haven't done the inner work. Can I interject something and by the way, you beautifully said that that was so spot on, know, you don't know how to come back from it because you haven't done the inner work.

Speaker 2:

Can I interject something? And, by the way, you beautifully said that that was so spot on and I I want to you. You acknowledged me for something that I want to actually address to everybody who's listening. You know, I I wasn't always this articulate. I wasn't always this. I was actually, even though I did sales for a profession before I became a dating and relationship coach. I mean, I had some basic foundation of good communication skills, but I wasn't able to articulate the way I do today if it wasn't for the personal development, self-help, spiritual work, in other words, until I really began to know who I was as a person.

Speaker 2:

And this actually happened through a lot of group therapy. In other words, I would sit with either a group of men, a group of men and women and for hours on end we would talk about our stuff to each other. We would do this for an entire day I'm talking 12, 15 hours. We would be talking about our emotional state of being, and I've done this a hundred times over the last 10 years, could even be more than that. Why I'm sharing this is when you hear other people share their experiences and then you're invited to share your experience, and the first time I did this, I was scared to share who I was as a person. But I began learning how to share who I am as a person and it started to expand in every area of my life financially, personally, even my physical health and so I'm sharing this with everybody.

Speaker 2:

I believe even Tony Robbins calls it the hour of power. Invest one hour a day in your individual well-being, but do it in a variety of different areas. Don't make it all about money, because that's going to be single focused. Do it most important. If the hour of power is to identify your fears, to identify your insecurities, to actually allow yourself to feel them and it's okay to feel them and it's okay to go through the different emotions it's to give yourself permission to first identify a feeling and emotion. Then give yourself permission to first identify a feeling, an emotion, then give yourself permission to experience it and just like the firewalk you, you walk through it and then you know you're on the other side and the more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it. I believe that's how I became, and I appreciate the acknowledgement of my my capacity to share. I wasn't always this way, martin, not 15, 20 years ago.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's really good stuff, Really really good stuff. John, can mentorship replace or enhance therapy when it comes to healing emotional wound?

Speaker 2:

I love this question. I believe that we all need a trusted confidant in our life, and I'm a believer. First off, I'm a big believer in coaching and mentorship and hiring professionals that can help you along the way. But I also encourage everyone to get a strong confidant in their life. That's, you know someone that you can speak to on. A strong confident in their life. That's you know someone that you can speak to on a regular I mean regularly, like even every day kind of confidant, somebody who actually has some you know wherewithal. You know they're not, you know they're not particularly in victor consciousness and not victim consciousness many people have. People have confidence in their life that all they do is perpetuate victim consciousness. They're focused on blaming everyone else instead of taking personal ownership of things. And I'm also a big believer in like paying for resources to get some higher level support and also make sure you develop.

Speaker 2:

And, by the way, I suspect your greatest confidant is your wife. Like your, your confidant is the person that goes. You know what. You feel safe enough to go hey, I'm scared right now and it's not going to affect the household finances. In other words, having a partner where you can show those parts of yourself. That isn't like because we're so hyper-focused on confidence. I think the bravest thing we can ever do is to focus on our fears, and when I say focus on them is make friends with our fears. And when I say focus on them is make friends with our fears. And when we have a confidant in our life that is not going to run away, when you share a part of who you are, boy, that's gold. I mean, that's platinum, that's euphoria.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it certainly is man. Thank you so much, John. I mean, I've gotten so many great nuggets from you. I'm going to ask one more question. We're running out of time, but I do want to ask one more question. What role should self-love play in a romantic relationship, and can it even be too much self-focused?

Speaker 2:

Oh, that's a great question. So do you remember earlier when I said there's a you, there's a me and then there is a we, okay, okay. So to be a good partner to another person? I think of self-love, like when you're traveling on an airplane and the flight attendant says in the case of cabin pressure change, oxygen masks will be dropped down and if you're traveling with a small child, put the oxygen mask on yourself.

Speaker 2:

First is the oxygen of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance okay, but it's not about being selfish, okay, or self-absorbed or self-centric. It's about feeding your own soul, because you're a better partner to another human being when you actually invest in yourself. Now, ideally, two people are doing the same thing OK, it's not a one sided event. And and to recognize that your partner is also your teacher too they bring up, they, they stir the pot, just like your wife will stir the pot sometimes, because it's like that phrase, you make me want to be a better man, but it's also, it's your job to also stir her pot too, and you know it's we.

Speaker 2:

We have to get away from this one up, one down type of relationships and treat them side by side, particularly in romantic love and so self-love. And let me be really clear. It's about doing. When I say doing the work, it's about addressing your emotions and feelings, all of them. It's not about hyper-focus on happiness. It's about addressing your fears, your insecurities, your negative patterns, your limiting beliefs. Anything that causes you any bit of pain is constantly addressing it. That's what this work is and, like I said, it's not for the faint of heart.

Speaker 1:

It is not.

Speaker 1:

That is exactly what I meant at the beginning, when in my intro I said doing self-work is the most important when you do the self-work right. So I learned as a young man when you get in a relationship as a young man and probably a lot of young men are going to resonate with this I was the guy that lost his identity in the relationship. Yeah, I got married. You're young. Whole world wraps around your wife and your family, children. You have young kids and I lost my identity. I lost who I was right Like. Who am I? What do I stand for? Is this it? Is this who I am Like? Is this everything? Is this all my dimensions? Right, that was because I wasn't taking care of me first, and that's not in a selfish way. I was taking care of everyone else and doing for everyone else, but never taking time to take care of me. And it's so important.

Speaker 1:

It wasn't until I started doing the work, like you said, realized I had. It was kind of in a breakthrough that I realized, hey, I can't be the best husband or father that I can be. I'm not first giving me. I can't give what I don't have. Yeah, you can't give what you don't have. So if I'm not putting into me, I don't have anything to give. So we, we, we.

Speaker 1:

So I've developed, you know, from the miracle morning and all of these. So I, I have my little things that I do that are just for me, that just take care of me, and that my needs. And when you get into that rhythm and I know and I also, my wife has her own little thing that she does and she needs that. I understand she needs and you know she needs her space. She's an introvert, so she gets her energy from being alone, quiet. But as a young man, when you don't understand these things, hey, we're different. We need we energize differently. Yeah, different, but we need we energize differently. Yeah, and I gotta give the space for for the her energy to to come up and be her best. And she got to give me the space for me to get what I need to bring the best version. Yeah, yeah, I understand that. And you both find that sweet spot.

Speaker 1:

Life becomes better, yeah life comes, becomes, come, comes so much better in the morning. We have, like, our unliteral, unwritten thing. We just know she knows I'm over there by my poolside, meditating, doing my thing, right, listening, doing my thing in my journal, doing my, and she leaves me alone. Just what I need. And as she's in in the room, in the dark, the weirdest thing, right, john? When I was a young guy, a young man, my wife would want this space to be alone and I didn't know how to give it to her and all I wanted was to say what's the matter? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Because I didn't understand her? Yeah, in the dark. Now I go into Rome and she's there at 5 o'clock 6, sitting in the dark, drinking the coffee, staring at the ceiling fan, and I'm like, babe, what do you do? She's like the ceiling fan is therapeutic to me. I'm like that's awesome, right, that's awesome for you, but that's what she needs, right, that's her meditation, that's her. She needs that to get her energy.

Speaker 1:

When I was a young man, it would be what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong we? What's wrong, what's wrong? We now have this unwritten thing. We get our first little hour in the morning separate, getting our energy. She goes for her walk, I go for my walk. Sometimes we'll walk together, she'll go. Sometimes we'll go to the gym together, but then we come, come together and we've. We've gotten what we need and we're the best version of ourselves for it amen everyone comes together, everyone's.

Speaker 1:

I am. I'm good, got what I needed. I got my own time. But it's hard for young men. I talk to a lot of young men and they experience the same thing, where they get lost and the identity gets lost.

Speaker 2:

Well, if it's okay, can I spend one extra minute to hear this? I want to talk to particularly young men out there because I recognize that for many of you that we are in challenging times. I'll be quite frankly yes, we are. We are in different times than when I grew up in the, when I was a man in the 80s and and I my hope is that you have a support system in your life. You have, if you, you have family, but if you don't have family, hopefully friends, but people to support you emotionally. We all need this. We all need a tribe, and if you don't have one right now, then create one in your life, because that tribe, that community, those people in your life are your emotional support system, and it's a two-way street. You know it's a give and receive type of dynamic. I know it's hard for many of you out there, okay, and I know it can be scary and you can be, you know, feel hopeless at times.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to tell you something. I went through a gigantic, gigantic identity crisis in my 40s and I lost my high end corporate job and I used to go to bed wishing I didn't wake up, and I had two small kids at the time, and I was in a divorce and I'm going to tell you, I was in the depths of despair. And if it wasn't for that belief, you know and I followed a simple mantra keep moving forward. It's a Walt Disney quote. Keep moving forward.

Speaker 2:

And little by little, little by little, I rebuilt my life and I started from scratch as a dating and relationship coach, and I'm going to tell you something I'm in the top 2% of this industry, congratulations. And so, by the time I got to the place where my son passed away, I had built such emotional scaffolding that that loss didn't take me down Despair, anguish and suffering. And so I'm inviting you all work on really own that. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to have fear, it's okay and it's okay to address it, and seek mentors like Martin and other people, seek coaches like myself and others. Seek confidence in your life, because I promise you, if you invest in yourself just a little bit every day, it does get better at some point.

Speaker 1:

Word of wisdom. Really good stuff, john. If people wanted to connect with you and they wanted to bring you on, they wanted to buy your book. Where do they find you on social? How do they connect with you? How do they hire you?

Speaker 2:

Okay, a couple things. Typically, my audience is women, but I want you to know I work with men as well, so my name is listed here Jonathan Asley. You can put it in Google. I have a YouTube channel, that I will guarantee you. If you watch a few of my videos, you'll go. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, you could join my mailing list and again, even though it's geared to a female population, trust me, it will help you guys out there. You can, you know, go to my website. You know, write a message to my staff and if you want to connect with me to talk on a professional level, you can fill out a form and we can get on the phone. But, most importantly, whether it's me or someone like Martin or anyone else, give yourself the greatest gift and begin a practice of personal development, self-help, spiritual work or therapy, because the benefits are gold, platinum in the future.

Speaker 1:

John, thank you, and I have one more question. Okay, I have one more question. You know, this morning I was in a like I said I was in a discussion with my wife in the bathroom and I said to her and this just came to me because you are, you work specifically with women and I really would like to get, I really would love your perspective on this, I really would love your perspective on this. I said to my wife it must be very hard for women, for young women, in this day and age, when they are constantly being bombarded by other women because it's not men saying this, by other women that you have to be strong and independent and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And they try to go into a relationship with that same mind frame or mindset of I have to be strong and independent. And a lot of time they're wearing the masculine hat, while society is telling them other women, by the way, women, it's other women saying this to you. Most men we're not saying men, are not saying that men circles. It must be really challenging for women to then go into a relationship and be a housewife, be a mom, stay home with the kids, to battle. What are you finding when you're working with women as it pertains to that battle. I know because I had my own experience with this with my wife's at home, raised children for many years.

Speaker 1:

What are you finding with women and that particular battle of the independent and the struggles? Because I seen it with my wife. I seen the inner turmoil with her. She feels like she's doing the most fulfilling, most important job of her life, which is being a mother to our children and keeping the house together. Yeah, and it's not now until her late 40s right, that we're in our 40s, late 40s that the kids listen to me, john the kids, our adult children tell her how grateful they are that she was home when they got off the bus and she was there with things, with the meals and the things and the homework, and how important that. They're telling her now how important that was to them and how grateful they are for that for her. But yet, while she was going through it, she was struggling because society was telling her something different, right, and she's been conditioned that way. What struggles are you finding with women? And I know you work with divorced women, older women, but I'd like to get your take on this because you work with Sure.

Speaker 2:

So okay, so this is a great question. I mean we could, we could spend an entire hour just unpacking this question. So we have a couple challenges we have to face. So yes, there are.

Speaker 2:

There is a socialization that's encouraging women to be independent, to be empowered and, quite frankly, martin, that's a really good thing, because the minute you become dependent upon another person for your survival, then you're at the mercy, to some degree, of the way they operate in the world. And when I say mercy, again, I don't mean it in the sense of somebody is going to be cruel or mean to you. But men aren't perfect either. Men can make lots of mistakes and they can make bad choices. That has ramifications for everybody in the family, for everybody in the family. So on one level, a woman's empowerment is absolutely necessary, particularly from a financial perspective. So let's put that in a box for a second.

Speaker 2:

The reality is of what we're faced with here. In the United States, it pretty much takes two incomes to survive. You know, if you are mated with someone, it's rare that a man has enough resources to support the entire family. When I say rare, I would say 80% of men, 80% of the population, makes less than $100,000 a year. They have less than one year savings in the bank to support this family, if you will. So it's understandable why we need two incomes. The problem is, if you have children, a big half of someone's income is going towards raising paying someone else to raise your children. So then it becomes a discussion and raising children is a separate job. You know. That needs to be acknowledged and honored, like your children do with their mother, which is fantastic, but it doesn't. This isn't about you know. It depends on what your genuine purpose is in life, and it's to really get to a real understanding. This is where that personal development work is really about. What's your real purpose in life? A lot of people we don't know. Who am I, why am I here, what's it all for? And really getting to the soul of who you are as a person. Here's the thing. Ideally, when it comes to family unit, it used to be. We lived in tribes, so you didn't have just. You're relying on just two people. You had grandparents, you had siblings, all part of the tribe helping to raise the family, and oftentimes here in the United States we have scattered family because of that. So there's a lot of pressure on young people, women in particular.

Speaker 2:

I just want to say this to the women who are listening, women in particular. I just want to say this to the women who are listening it's important that you feel empowered in life, because being dependent on someone else isn't the way we should operate in the world. Okay, we should be interdependent, in other words, two sovereign beings coming together. And if your role is to be a parent, then honor that role Really. Make that, and if you don't, by the way, parenting by the way then honor that role Really like, make that if and if you don't, by the way, not parenting, by the way, I love my kids. I hated parenting. I mean, I really did. I mean it's unconditional love is a very scary place to be because it's it's like you're, you're responsible for another being, and that can be really scary and uncomfortable. So I just want to acknowledge that that can be a challenge, but, at the same time, work as a team with your partner, decide what's the best for the team and then operate from them that vantage.

Speaker 1:

I like that. You said that because I was going to, until you said that I was going to completely disagree with you until you had disagreed. Because if you are a team, as you mentioned earlier, right, we have to operate side by side, sovereign side by side. Then, there, when there's, when there's a true relationship of trust and safety yeah, there is no one up this, up that, up right. Men make mistakes, men are not perfect, women are not perfect people. People make bad decisions on both sides and, however, if you're operating as a team, this whole um thing of hey, we need to be, because it it also depends on meaning. As you know, john, we're all meaning making machines. So what does that really mean?

Speaker 1:

I actually encourage my wife to have the things that she likes to do, the thing I encourage her space right, to give her a space to express her true self, and I create the space for it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so when we have a a, when we have a partnership per se, when women are being told, constantly bombarded, and they're being made feel guilty that if you choose this route of being a mother or being this, you're not being your best version, I have a lot of female friends too, right, I have a lot of high feet, as you know, in these spaces that we travel in in the Tonya, there's a lot of one of my business partners, a very successful doctor, entrepreneur, and this is the stuff that they're constantly hearing.

Speaker 1:

And when you come into a relationship, right, when you come into a relationship with a man, it's difficult when you are pushing that agenda and you're not coming as hey, you're very successful. That's amazing. Maybe that partner or that person you're coming to doesn't have that driver, doesn't have that mindset that you have, right. So now there is this disparity from what I'm seeing in today's younger, the younger generation. Well, if you're not up here with me and my level of success or my level of income, the women being there, you're not valuable enough for me, right?

Speaker 2:

And we have a lot of. We have a lot of unhealthy narratives out there. There's, no doubt, particularly centered around wealth, and there's this misconception that a high value person is a person who makes lots of money.

Speaker 1:

There's so bullshit and I'll just debunk that I will debate it.

Speaker 2:

That is bullshit by the way, the quality of the person is their character, not their right. That is 100. And so when we are driven materialistically, when we're driven superficially, and the thing is, is, and, and we've gotten away from you know, and it's all ego-based and predominantly being bombarded, as you said, with ego, no doubt there's a fracture in our emotional well-being. And so we are, you and I are advocates for the inner work, for the healing, for the forgiveness, for the support. And I'm just going to bottom line this as we end. Life is a journey, okay, and our journey.

Speaker 2:

I like the way Esther Perel says it. The quality of our life is predicated by the quality of our relationships. First and foremost, the relationship with yourself, okay, but then those around you. When two people are committed to commitments and their two people are committed to commitment, you can I I love the way chris rock says it, I mean he goes. You know, when you can, you can move. It's a lot easier to move a couch with two people than it is one person. I love that line. You know, when you work, all of this, agendas and all of these things, like look yeah.

Speaker 1:

And we'll wrap it up with this.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I have to go. I actually have to do that.

Speaker 1:

My wife and I were talking this morning, I said to her we were so lucky that when we started, I was borrowing money from you to get on the train because she was my manager, she was making more money than me in retail, she was paying for my fare because I couldn't even hop on the train and we were so broke and so poor and I believe that that made us stronger and that made our relationship stronger, as opposed to coming from a place of having means. But we didn't have anything If something were to happen. We know how to navigate those waters. We know how to navigate those waters because we've been there. But anyways, brother, thank you so much, John. We'll wrap it up with this. It's all good. I got to go too. If people wanted to connect with you again, share real quick. Where do they find you? You?

Speaker 2:

again share real quick. Where do they find you? So we could uh wrap it up here. I know we said type in my name, jonathan lasley. It's listed right here. Uh type it into google, go to my youtube channel, go to my website. If you want to connect with me directly, just click the uh the contact button and share where you met and then we'll get have a conversation. Thank you john.

Speaker 1:

Appreciate you, brother. Thank you martin, okay conversation. Thank you John, appreciate you, brother. Thank you Martin.

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